But it’s more common than you’d think, and it can happen to anyone. Everyone thinks their own dog is a perfect bundle of fur, inclusivity and acceptance. Little do they know it’s very possible that bundle also includes deep discriminatory impulses. Here are 3 signs to look out for if you’re worried your dog might be prejudiced.
Racist Dog
1 – They show aggression to other breeds
When you let your dog loose at the dog park do they run around and give a friendly greeting to the other dogs, or do they terrorize them? Prejudiced dogs will show favor to other dogs of their own breed, usually by licking their snout or respectfully sniffing their ass hole. Towards dogs of other breeds they’ll be far less friendly. Their aggression could manifest in many ways, in the form of a disdainful side eye, or a derisive ass hole sniff.
2 – They bark at strangers
Usually when a dog harbors deep-seated hatred for a particular demographic, they will bark in disapproval when they come across that demographic. Does your dog bark when someone approaches your house to deliver mail? Do they become agitated when a couple of mormon lads come to your door to infect your home with virginity? Scientists believe because of science that when your dog barks at strangers they are typically shouting extremely insensitive slurs that are far too inappropriate to be quoted in this newsletter.
3 – They post racist shit on social media
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Even if you’re not suspicious your dog is prejudiced, you should keep a close eye on their social media accounts. If he/she posts or reposts racist shit on social media, it’s a pretty clear sign they may have some prejudices.
We hope this guide has been helpful. If your dog is inhibiting signs of prejudice, it’s essential to catch the issue early and deal with it before they get out of control. If handled correctly your dog can return to the once blissful days of joy and respectful ass hole sniffing.
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After lots of thought, you have decided that you definitely do want to quit your job. This decision wasn’t all that easy, but you have made it. It doesn’t always take some big moment to make you realize you want to quit, like when the middle-aged woman from Accounting borderline sexually harasses you every morning. Sometimes all it takes is a grave injustice, like making you work on President’s Day. Everyone knows how passionate you are about Presidents, so how dare the big boss make you come in on that sacred holiday.
So here you are, finally home from work, but too mad to celebrate the holiday. Instead, you pour some fine wine (maybe a 2018 Cab Sav?) and decide to figure out exactly how you plan to finally quit your stupid job. Well, here you go. Here are our tips on how to quit your job. This is: How to Quit Your Job.
Giphy
Find a New Job
You gotta find a new job before you quit the one you have now, plain and simple. Just because your company sucks does not mean that your landlord and bookie are going to forget the money you owe them. Maybe you have some money saved, but just like your next sexual encounter, it won’t last as long as you think. I know finding a job is hard, but you already somehow convinced one company that you are worth hiring, so why can’t you do it again? You gained plenty of unvaluable experience at your current job, so use that to your advantage. Beef up your resume with some somewhat-truthful accomplishments, act like a normal person for 2-3 interviews*, and you’re good to go.
*See Chapter 6 of How To Win At Life, titled How To Tackle Job Interviews
Start Dropping Hints
Now that you have half a foot out the door, it’s time to start subtly letting your co-workers and boss know that you are soon to be gone. What you don’t want to do is just come out and tell everyone you’re quitting. That would come as a surprise, and if the Japanese learned anything from WWII, it’s that surprises don’t work out in the long run. A better way is to ease them into the idea by constantly making jokes about quitting, so they become desensitized to the idea. When your coworker starts talking about that project that’ll be starting in March, just say “Well I mean I won’t be working here in March haha.” The subtle laugh at the end will convince him that you were joking, but it will still leave the door open for the idea. When your boss starts talking to you about next quarter’s sales goals, tell him/her that you hope the team hits their goals, haha. Do stuff like this as often as humanly possible for a few days. Then when you do tell them you’re quitting, they will feel like they somehow already knew it.
Quit Your Job
You’ve got your fancy new job, a fancy new start date, and nothing to lose. This part doesn’t take much planning, just wait for the slightest annoyance at work, and abruptly tell everyone around you that you are quitting. For example, your coworker says “Hey Nick, it looks like you accidentally wrote a 7 here. It was supposed to be a 6. Do you mind changing it real quick? It’ll only take a second. Here you can use my pen. Thanks!”
“I quit”
With your old job now like your ass and behind you, it’s time to start to enjoying life with your shiny new, exciting job. But be sure to save this article for when you feel like you need to come back to it 6 months from now.
Thx 4 reading! Best of luck quitting your job, let us know how it goes!
-The H2W@L Staff
Because of that, you love to take your laptop with you to a coffee shop and write stuff, more specifically, How To articles for dozens of loyal fans. Even though you love doing this, you are worried that the people sitting around you may be peeping Toms and Tammys, and you don’t want them to read what you are writing. Part of that is because a lot of the stuff is inappropriate, but also because you can’t let them get this life-changing advice without first subscribing to the newsletter, because that wouldn’t be fair to the others.
In elementary school, there is usually some kind of barrier to prevent people from peering over their peers’ shoulders and seeing their answers. If not, there is usually some kind of adult monitoring the room, ensuring answers stay safe and cheaters stay punished. But in life, there are no such protections, and no such righteous punishments for peakers. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands. Like a horny 35 year-old virgin, at this point you know no one else is going to do it for you.
Before you can get mad at people for looking at your screen, you must first learn if they are or not. Getting mad at people for no reason is fun, but getting mad at people for a reason is even more fun. We have found that anger seems to be more sincere when there is a legitimate reason behind it.
Odds are there are several ways to tell if someone is reading what you’re writing, but we are only going to talk about the most important ones, because we know your time is valuable. You don’t have time to sit here and read things that aren’t important, and quite frankly we don’t have time to sit here and write things that aren’t important. I wish we did, but unfortunately we don’t. Things might be a little different if my co-worker Becky didn’t talk for so damn long at our “end of day meeting”, but she does, so I don’t have as much free time as I would like. But anyways, this is: How To Tell if the Person Sitting Next to You is Reading What You’re Writing.
Write something really mean about the ugly-ass blue sweater thing the lady sitting at the table right next to you is wearing.I mean what the hell even is that? That top is absolutely horrendous. She is looking at her phone and I don’t see a walking stick or seeing eye dog around her, so I’d imagine she isn’t blind, but you wouldn’t be able to tell that by what she is wearing. I hope that was a gift and she is about to meet the person who bought it for her, because that is really the only explanation to why on earth she would wear that. Now if the lady next to you in the blue sweater thing got upset, said something to you, or reacted in some way, she’s probably reading this. If not, then she probably isn’t, but that doesn’t mean the other people around aren’t. Let’s find out if they are.
Write about how your tummy hurts and you can feel some bad gas coming.Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to trust the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and it definitely wasn’t a good idea to get it right before going to get coffee. The food was good and all, but now the consequences are about to show. There’s no need to get into the details, but a gas attack is about to come. I feel really bad for the people sitting around me because they are about to feel the wrath of Taco Bell’s past.Now start to pay attention to people’s movements. Are they getting up and grabbing a new seat? Or gathering their things and leaving the shop all together? Well then there’s a good chance they have been reading everything you’re typing. Proceed with caution. If not, and everyone is staying still, it seems like you are safe, for now.
Write that you are about to blow up the shop.I’ve got a small bomb in my bookbag and I am going to detonate it in like 10 minutes or so. Or just whenever I finish this coffee. It’s still pretty hot so it probably will be at least 10 minutes, I just hope the police don’t show up before then.Now all you have to do is wait about 10 minutes or so. Maybe a little bit longer depending on where you are and how close the nearest police station is. Once that time has passed, if the cops haven’t shown up and you haven’t been arrested, then you should be good to go. No one around you is reading this, because if they were something certainly would have happened by now. If you do get arrested, or at least interrogated, then you have your answer. You can now sleep soundly knowing that people were in fact reading this, and your suspicions had merit.
Well there you go. Use these tips next time you are on your computer in public and want to know if the people around you are nosey Nellies.
Thanks for reading and we’ll see you later alligator,
If you’re one of the tens of Americans who wish they were in better shape, you may have considered starting a workout regimen. In addition to the numerous health benefits, there can be many other positive impacts of establishing an exercise routine. Higher self-esteem, a more successful love life (or the mere existence of a love life), and more hiding options for hide-and-seek are just a few of these positive impacts.
One of the hottest exercise trends these days is CrossFit. Founded in 2000 by some guy named Greg, CrossFit is advertised as “a lifestyle characterized by safe, effective exercise and sound nutrition.” Sounds simple and vague enough, right? We thought so too, so we figured we’d give it a try. To learn more about this craze gripping the nation, we attended the 2021 CrossFit convention. When we realized the convention was not free, we promptly left. But we did overhear some chatter from other paying convention-goers as they entered the convention, and from that knowledge we’ve compiled this guide to help anyone reach their fitness goals with CrossFit. From our extensive research, we’ve determined the key to mastering CrossFit is to be a DICK.
D – Discuss CrossFit
This tip cannot be stressed enough. One of the first things we realized when conducting our research is that one of the most important parts of doing CrossFit is talking about CrossFit. In order to walk the walk, you have to talk the talk.
I – Introduce Yourself as a CrossFitter
To be a successful CrossFitter it’s imperative that everyone who meets you instantly knows you’re a CrossFitter. Otherwise, what’s the point? When introducing yourself, the word “CrossFit” should be one of the first 5 words out of your mouth.
C – Change the Subject to CrossFit
To master any difficult skill, the mind must be completely dedicated. If the mind departs from the perfection of the skill, the growth stops. One way to ensure you’re constantly thinking and growing, be sure to bring up CrossFit in every conversation, regardless of the discussion topic. The quicker you can change the subject to CrossFit, the better.
K – Kidnap the President of the United States
This step is perhaps the most difficult and most important along your CrossFit journey. As the first three steps are mainly focused on embodying the CrossFit mindset, this final step will actually involve some physical effort. Have you ever tried to kidnap the President of the United States? It’s friggin hard man. Kidnapping POTUS is a very exhausting endeavor, both mentally and physically. It involves sneaking around, crouching, squatting, opening heavy doors, and lifting a fully-grown elderly man and carrying him for long distances against his struggle. All of these exercise elements are key to a CrossFit workout. This is no easy feat, but you can bet your ass you’ll be getting an excellent workout.
A life of CrossFit is difficult and also challenging, but if you’re a DICK, you’ve already won half the battle! Employ these tips and soon you too can be one of the (way too) proud members of the CrossFit community.
Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.
Now we know almost all of you are currently or have been students at some point. We also know that learning online is difficult, and we worry that some of you may not be getting as good of an education as you need. To help everyone out and improve the overall IQ of our readers, this newsletter will mimic a day of school by touching on multiple different subjects and topics alike.
English Class
English class is usually pretty boring, so we are going to have to work hard to make it more less boring. We are going to do so by introducing a fun little interactive and educational segment meant to test your knowledge of the English language.
We have cleverly and subtly hidden a grammatical era somewhere in this newsletter, and if you can find the hidden mistake and tell us what it is, you could* be in the running to win a cash prize! So get out your reading glasses, think back to English classes, and try to put us on our asses.
*you wont earn a cash prize
US Politics
If you have turned on the TV or opened the internet in the last week, you know things in this country have been a little crazy as of late. Washington DC is a bit of a mess, and the incidents that occurred last week were, to say the least, not good. Now we aren’t political experts at all, but it seems like there’s an easy fix to all of this. The leaders of this country need to calm down, relax, and MASTURBATE.
Make
A
Smooth
Transition of power.
Unions
R
Better when
Allies form instead of
Treating everyone like
Enemies
If everyone in DC, or anyone else considering taking drastic measures would just MASTURBATE, then maybe normalcy will show its pretty little face again.
Life Science
The world of Life Science today is about one thing and one thing only…COVID-19. It’s like a fart you let loose on an elevator when you’re alone. You thin it’ll go away before anyone else gets on. But it doesn’t. it just lingers, sticking around way longer than you thought. That’s what Coronavirus is, a stinky fart on an elevator.
A new development in this horrible saga are the variants that are being introduced all over the world. The UK B.1.1.7 Variant, which has been confirmed to be in at least 12 US states, is the variant currently making headlines. Viruses have a high mutation rate, so mutations alone are not concerning. What is concerning is where these mutations occur. The 3 main mutations in B.1.1.7 (N501Y, P681H, and 69/70 deletion) all occur in the S gene, which encodes the big bad Spike protein, responsible for virus infiltration of our sacred cells. This is concerning because both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines instruct the body to generate antibodies that identify the virus based on the Spike protein. If the S gene mutates enough, the protein targets may be unrecognizable for the antibodies generated by the vaccines, rendering them ineffective. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet. The vaccine antibodies can identify several different parts of the spike. But the longer this virus stays around, the more it will mutate, and the more likely the current vaccines will no longer be able to recognize the single thing they were made to recognize. So it’s important that we do all that we can to make sure we get rid of this fart on the elevator as soon as possible, or else the wrong people might start to smell it.
Math
Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing.
Here comes another pop quiz. But don’t worry, this one will not be turned in for a grade. This is more for you, so you can get an understanding of where your math skills are. So get off your ath, let’s do some math!
Just try to answer these questions to the best of your ability.
3-4=
6 x 1,000,000,000=
54 is 45 more than what is the answer Martha?
Alright well we hope you enjoyed your day at school. Just remember that having fun and doing drugs and stuff is important, but being educated is more importanter. Now get the hell out of here.
We saw a pandemic, record job losses, record stock market losses, and record stock market gains. Depending on how you were impacted in 2020, it’s very likely you either lost a lot of money, or gained a lot of money. Either way, you probably want to earn even more in 2021. In fact, according to a recent independent study, over 50% of people surveyed said they would like to make more money this year than last. Like these bodacious hips of mine, the numbers don’t lie.
So you’ve decided you want to make some more money this year, what’s next? In this article we’ll go over 3 of the hottest trending ways people are making money these days, and we’ll teach you how you can get in on the action!
1 – Gambling
If you haven’t gambled before, you’re wrong. Gambling can be an excellent way to make a lot of money really quickly. It’s possible even to make an entire year’s worth of money in just one bet. Here’s how – bet big on low probability outcomes. You heard it here first. Here’s a secret that Vegas doesn’t want you to know, the lower the probability of the outcome, the more money you can make by betting on it. As our dear friend and H2W@L consultant Kevin Malone** famously said, “If someone gives you 10,000-1 odds on anything, you take it”.
*Not a real consultant *Not a real person
2 – Drugs
We all know someone who has dabbled in drugs, made a few bucks, and then quit due to personal or legal reasons. But if there’s one thing we learned from 2020, it’s that you can make an absolute KILLING selling drugs. Take pharmaceutical company Moderna for example. Moderna was just your average-joe street corner drug pusher at the beginning of 2020, but over the course of the year they were awarded $1.5B to develop and sell drugs. And get this – all that money came from the US Government! Make the right connections in the drug game and you too can end the year drowning in money from dealing.
3 – Get a 9-5 (Not advised)
When all else fails and you’re desperate for some money, getting a 9-5 is a great last resort. While we at H2W@L strongly recommend against this approach, we’d be lying if we said we haven’t tried it. For the sake of full transparency, our 9-5 jobs are our second highest source of income (behind mug sales). When done correctly, working a 9-5 can be an excellent way to sell your time and soul to a corporate machine in return for some money and an arsenal of fun work phrases.
Regardless of how 2020 turned out for you, it’s up to you and only you (and global crises, government mandates etc.) to determine your trajectory for 2021. If you’re like over half of America, you probably want to earn more money this year than last. Trying a couple of these methods is a great way to start!
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Well it seems like it’s that time a year again. Winter is in full swing, hot chocolate is your best friend, and you have recently realized that you achieved very little this year. This time last year you set high goals for yourself, but like many others, you did not follow through. Oh well, there’s always next year. And since next year is in 2 days, it’s time to start thinking about your New Year’s Resolution, which you really really want to do this year. Below, you will find some tips to help you on your journey to 2021 self-improvement.
Clearly define your goals. Different things mean different things to different people and in different situations. Take for example the phrase “Try Me”. In a toy store, “Try Me” is a playful invitation to push a toy’s button, allowing a young girl/boy to experience the joy of a toy. But using the phrase “Try Me” to a drunken meat-head outside of the bar is a not-so-playful invitation which may push their buttons, which may lead to you getting your ass kicked. That’s why it is important to get specific with your goals. The goal of losing weight can mean two very different things. Instead of using broad terms like that, get more specific and say “Losing 10 pounds”, or “losing enough weight to not get break the toilet at work again”. Setting specific goals will also make it easier to track your progress, and adjust your plan accordingly.
Start Early: Just because it is a New Year’s Resolution does not mean you have to wait until the new year to start. It’s not like you are going to magically be a different person when you wake up in 2021. In fact, you will probably wake up hungover on January 1st, so you aren’t likely to accomplish much that day. So instead of waiting until then, begin working on your resolution as soon as you think of it. Usually a resolution is something that will improve you, so why wait to get started? If making this change will make you a better person, or will make you happier, then start it now. There is no need to wait, because, again, you will not be any different on January 1st than you are now. Hard work takes hard work, so start getting started.
Make Realistic Goals: One thing people often do is set goals for themselves that are just flat-out unobtainable, and then they give up on these goals entirely when they realize they aren’t making the progress they desired. And that is on them, because they should have been more honest with themselves, and so should you. For instance, if you have gotten drunk after work every single day for the last 2 years, maybe setting the goal of doing “Dry January” isn’t right for you. Instead, take baby steps. Maybe start with “Dry January 1st-7th” and see how that goes. Setting more short-term goals can also help you achieve the more long-term goals. If January 4th rolls around and you really want a drink, it may be tough to stick to your plan, knowing you still have 27 more days left. But if you start with Dry January 1st-7th, you only have 3 days left, which may help you overcome that initial craving. When you get through the first 7 days, you might realize that it was easier than you thought, and the idea of doing that just 3 more times doesn’t seem too daunting. So, make realistic, short-term goals, and go from there.
Just Do It: It seems simple, but there is a reason why Nike has made an ass-load of money off this phrase. Whatever your resolution is, just do it. Really, just do it. There is no need to complicate things. If you want to wake up earlier on the weekends, then wake up earlier on the weekends. If you want to exercise more often, or less often, then just do that. There is no need to complicate things. Us humans, especially those of you reading this, are incredibly smart beings, which is a good thing. But having intelligence is kind of like having a massive wiener; at some point it starts to get in the way. And that’s exactly what happens in this situation. We tend to over-complicate some things, and in doing so we hinder our own capabilities. If a dog is outside, and it wants to take a poop, it just poops. Just like that. It could overcomplicate things, but it doesn’t, it simplifies the situation. It wants to take a poop, and so it does, right there. In this over-complicated, fast-paced world, maybe we could learn a lesson from that dog. So this year, I beg you to do one thing: Simplify your world. Take. That. Poop.
Best of luck on your journey this year. No matter what happens, just know we’re going through the same shit together!
Grow up. There comes a point in every kid’s life where he or she starts to think this whole Santa Claus thing is sortaaaaaa complete bullshit. It’s a beautiful and important part of growing up, like their first crush on someone at school, or their first random erection. These are confusing times in their lives, so it’s important we as parents are there to serve as a guide. If we think of a child’s Santa doubts as a lost ship in a vast sea of confusion, we must be their compass to guide them in the right direction and get them safely to shore. If our children’s skepticism is like a sheep that has gone astray and wanders among the wolves, we must be their shepherd to shoot the wolves in the face and bring the sheep home. If we think of a child’s journey of growth through the mystics of holiday folklore as a forgotten stick of lip gloss in a Waffle House bathroom….well, you get the picture.
As the guide for our children through this confusing stage of life, it is our job to answer their questions, navigate tough conversations, and tell the truth. To do so, you need to LIE.
L – Let them know the facts
Well, not all of the facts. Let them know some facts, like that the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776, or that you were right about Subway Jared the whole time. Sprinkling in some fun facts can deflect their curiosity about Santa and keep them out of the know.
I – Incite fear
We’ve all seen the movie Elf. In that timeless Christmas tale, we learn that when people don’t believe in Santa, Santa starts to die. Tell your child that by not believing in Santa they are literally killing Santa. If possible, have a policeman near by who can remind the child that murderers don’t typically fare well in prison. Let your child connect the dots on their own that if they don’t believe in Santa they will go to Federal prison for the rest of their life for murder.
E – Empathize with them
If you’ve tried changing the subject with fun facts or threatening to frame your child for murder and they still aren’t letting up it’s time to finally admit fault and empathize with them. Tell them you’re sorry you lied to them, but you didn’t know Santa wasn’t real either. Tell them you feel silly for believing too, and that you also feel like you’ve been lied to for your whole life. Now is the time to pull out the best card in your hand, blaming the grandparents. Tell your child it’s their fault for lying to you all these years. Empathizing in this way with your child will help mend the strained relationship with them and ensure you have a lovely Christmas together as a family.
The best way to get through tough situations with your child is to be prepared. When your child starts to reach the age where they aren’t so gullible, you need to prepare for the day when they confront you about Santa. In a time when family is needed more than ever, a little preparation can make all the difference. Happy Holidays from our family to yours!
Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.
You may see the term “party” and instantly be taken aback, and for good reason. At the time that this masterpiece is being concocted, COVID-19 continues to ravage it’s way through America like a lion a carcass. The virus is being passed around like a bong at a CU-Boulder frat party, and quite frankly it looks like there’s no end in sight. Regardless, we are human beings, and we have lives we need to live. We will NOT let something as small as an invisible virus get in the way of us having fun. We only live once, which is something millions are currently finding out the hard way.
With evictions being at an all-time high, a lot of people may find themselves moving into new places. Even if it’s moving back into your parents’ house because you lost your job, or just crashing on a friend’s couch while you get back on your feet, moving into a new place is always something to celebrate. One of the best ways to celebrate moving in is to host a House-Warming Party. Even though there is a massive global pandemic going on, there are still ways to do so in a safe and fun manner.
Before we get into how to have a house-warming party, we should first discuss why to have an HWP. It may seem like there are a lot of reasons to do so, but in this unprecedented time where we don’t even know what normal means, the only reason to have a house-warming party nowadays is this: because you’re cold. With winter well underway, it has been rather cold in many parts of the country. Now more than ever, it is important that your house stays warm. That’s why you, your roommate(s), and 0 of your closest friends should throw a massive house-warming banger.
Throwing an intimate house-warming party used to be stressful, but not anymore. Just follow these simple tricks, and your cold house will be well on its way to warming up!
1. Wait until it is cold
this may seem counterintuitive, but it’s actually counter-counterintuitive, as in it’s intuitive. Throwing a house-warming party when it is not cold out is super easy and not even worth it. All you have to do is turn the AC off and voila, it’s warm. There’s no fun in taking the easy way out. That’s why it’s important to wait until it is cold before you have the party. To tell if it’s cold, just use your instincts; I mean we are animals. Just sit there for a second and use your senses. They say if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck. The same is true with coldness. If it feels like it’s cold and it feels like it’s cold, it’s probably cold. When this is true, it’s time to have your house-warming party.
2. Turn on the heat
Now that it’s properly cold out, it’s time to bring the heat. A good way to do this is by turning on the heater in your home. The heater, named for the fact that it heats things, should get your place nice and warm. If your house has a central heating system, there is one step to doing this, so this step is e-central (shitty pun intended). You or one of your roommates just needs to turn on the heat, however it is that you do this. It should only be you or your roommates doing this, because y’all should pretty much be the only people there (pandemic). If you don’t have central heating, then everyone will have to turn on their own heat in their rooms. Tricky, but doable. I myself am a fan of central heating. But again, that is just a personal preference, and it is in no way intended to be a mockery of those without it.
3. Bake something
Now that you’re starting to feel the heat, it might be time to start to feel the hEAT. You can start to do this by baking something, preferably a dessert type. Cookies, brownies, or a cake are great ways to bring the hEAT and also provide ample bonding opportunities for you and your roommates. And, when you bake things in the oven, even more heat is released, adding to the thrill that the house-warming party already is! Just be sure to only bake enough food for you and your roommates, because those should be the only people there.
4. Share some loving memories
With the heat on and the food in the oven, you’ve got your surroundings nice and warm. Now all that’s left is to warm your insides, and I could not mean that in a less sexual way. What you and your roommates, and no one else, should do is go around and talk about some of your favorite memories together. Or just talk about some funny stories that were before their time. This will help you get to know each other better, strengthen your potentially already strong relationship, and thus warm your heart. Even the thought of some of you having a nice bondage time with your roommates warms my heart a little.
Well, after putting all of this on paper, it kind of feels like this is less of a party and more of a casual time with the people you live with. But in these unprecedentedly uncertain and trying times, that doesn’t sound too bad.
That means it’s the time of year where we succumb to the pressures of consumer America and buy unnecessary gifts for all sorts of people, just because. And just because, this could mean you’re going through the struggle of finding the perfect gift for the in-laws. This can be a stressful process, so we’ve taken the time to throw together this comprehensive guide to help you through it. If you heed our advice, you’ll most certainly find the perfect gift this holiday season.
Step 1: Think of the message you want to send
Depending on your relationship with the in-laws you might want to send a specific message with your gift. This relationship is often dependent on how long you’ve been with your partner. For instance, if you’re in a new relationship, the message you might want to send to the in-laws (or future in-laws) is “Hey, thanks for letting me have sex with your son and/or daughter this year. That’s a really cool thing for you to do.” However, if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you might want to send a completely different message. Maybe you had a kid this year and you want your gift to express your gratitude for their help. Maybe you were caught in an affair this year and you want your gift to show you’re a better person than you were back then. Whatever the circumstances, your gift should send a message specific to your relationship with the in-laws.
Step 2: Do some research
It’s important to do your homework before deciding on a gift for someone. Trust me, the receiver of the gift will instantly appreciate the gift even more knowing you took the time to do some research. A really simple way to conduct research for a gift is to use very specific google searches. For example, searching “what products are intrusive mother-in-laws who put on some weight this year really into?” This should result in some promising gift ideas. One way I like to research gifts for the in-laws is to set up a fake social media account for someone similar to them, and then see what kinds of ads I get. It may sound complicated, but it’s a pretty simple process. Just create a new account on your favorite social media platform and start following other accounts you think your in-law would follow. Maybe they’re really into interior decorating? Great, follow some famous interior decorators. Maybe they’ve got some narrow-minded political stances? Sweet, go follow some of the politicians they’re likely to support. Be sure to also join any rogue internet groups and forums they might be a part of. Eventually you’ll start getting ads targeted specifically for your in-law. Social media companies know what your in-laws want more than your in-laws do, so you really can’t go wrong purchasing anything you find in an advertisement.
Step 3: Buy a Visa gift card
When all is said and done, you’ve thought about the message you want your gift to tell, you’ve conducted research to find trends in consumer products for your in-law’s demographic, it’s time to go ahead and buy that Visa gift card. Using the results from steps 1 and 2, buy the Visa gift card that appropriately communicates the right message and meets the consumer trends of people like your in-laws. This is the step where you get to reap the rewards from your extensive preparation, so enjoy it and let that Christmas joy fill your heart!
Now that you’ve given the in-laws the perfect gift you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the next year of relationship bliss. Don’t worry, this article will still be here for you next year! 😉
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