It’s finally time
After lots of thought, you have decided that you definitely do want to quit your job. This decision wasn’t all that easy, but you have made it. It doesn’t always take some big moment to make you realize you want to quit, like when the middle-aged woman from Accounting borderline sexually harasses you every morning. Sometimes all it takes is a grave injustice, like making you work on President’s Day. Everyone knows how passionate you are about Presidents, so how dare the big boss make you come in on that sacred holiday.
So here you are, finally home from work, but too mad to celebrate the holiday. Instead, you pour some fine wine (maybe a 2018 Cab Sav?) and decide to figure out exactly how you plan to finally quit your stupid job. Well, here you go. Here are our tips on how to quit your job. This is: How to Quit Your Job.
Find a New Job
You gotta find a new job before you quit the one you have now, plain and simple. Just because your company sucks does not mean that your landlord and bookie are going to forget the money you owe them. Maybe you have some money saved, but just like your next sexual encounter, it won’t last as long as you think. I know finding a job is hard, but you already somehow convinced one company that you are worth hiring, so why can’t you do it again? You gained plenty of unvaluable experience at your current job, so use that to your advantage. Beef up your resume with some somewhat-truthful accomplishments, act like a normal person for 2-3 interviews*, and you’re good to go.
*See Chapter 6 of How To Win At Life, titled How To Tackle Job Interviews
Start Dropping Hints
Now that you have half a foot out the door, it’s time to start subtly letting your co-workers and boss know that you are soon to be gone. What you don’t want to do is just come out and tell everyone you’re quitting. That would come as a surprise, and if the Japanese learned anything from WWII, it’s that surprises don’t work out in the long run. A better way is to ease them into the idea by constantly making jokes about quitting, so they become desensitized to the idea. When your coworker starts talking about that project that’ll be starting in March, just say “Well I mean I won’t be working here in March haha.” The subtle laugh at the end will convince him that you were joking, but it will still leave the door open for the idea. When your boss starts talking to you about next quarter’s sales goals, tell him/her that you hope the team hits their goals, haha. Do stuff like this as often as humanly possible for a few days. Then when you do tell them you’re quitting, they will feel like they somehow already knew it.
Quit Your Job
You’ve got your fancy new job, a fancy new start date, and nothing to lose. This part doesn’t take much planning, just wait for the slightest annoyance at work, and abruptly tell everyone around you that you are quitting. For example, your coworker says “Hey Nick, it looks like you accidentally wrote a 7 here. It was supposed to be a 6. Do you mind changing it real quick? It’ll only take a second. Here you can use my pen. Thanks!”
“I quit”
With your old job now like your ass and behind you, it’s time to start to enjoying life with your shiny new, exciting job. But be sure to save this article for when you feel like you need to come back to it 6 months from now.
Thx 4 reading! Best of luck quitting your job, let us know how it goes!
-The H2W@L Staff