You are a super interesting person.
Because of that, you love to take your laptop with you to a coffee shop and write stuff, more specifically, How To articles for dozens of loyal fans. Even though you love doing this, you are worried that the people sitting around you may be peeping Toms and Tammys, and you don’t want them to read what you are writing. Part of that is because a lot of the stuff is inappropriate, but also because you can’t let them get this life-changing advice without first subscribing to the newsletter, because that wouldn’t be fair to the others.
In elementary school, there is usually some kind of barrier to prevent people from peering over their peers’ shoulders and seeing their answers. If not, there is usually some kind of adult monitoring the room, ensuring answers stay safe and cheaters stay punished. But in life, there are no such protections, and no such righteous punishments for peakers. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands. Like a horny 35 year-old virgin, at this point you know no one else is going to do it for you.
Before you can get mad at people for looking at your screen, you must first learn if they are or not. Getting mad at people for no reason is fun, but getting mad at people for a reason is even more fun. We have found that anger seems to be more sincere when there is a legitimate reason behind it.
Odds are there are several ways to tell if someone is reading what you’re writing, but we are only going to talk about the most important ones, because we know your time is valuable. You don’t have time to sit here and read things that aren’t important, and quite frankly we don’t have time to sit here and write things that aren’t important. I wish we did, but unfortunately we don’t. Things might be a little different if my co-worker Becky didn’t talk for so damn long at our “end of day meeting”, but she does, so I don’t have as much free time as I would like. But anyways, this is: How To Tell if the Person Sitting Next to You is Reading What You’re Writing.
Write something really mean about the ugly-ass blue sweater thing the lady sitting at the table right next to you is wearing. I mean what the hell even is that? That top is absolutely horrendous. She is looking at her phone and I don’t see a walking stick or seeing eye dog around her, so I’d imagine she isn’t blind, but you wouldn’t be able to tell that by what she is wearing. I hope that was a gift and she is about to meet the person who bought it for her, because that is really the only explanation to why on earth she would wear that. Now if the lady next to you in the blue sweater thing got upset, said something to you, or reacted in some way, she’s probably reading this. If not, then she probably isn’t, but that doesn’t mean the other people around aren’t. Let’s find out if they are.
Write about how your tummy hurts and you can feel some bad gas coming. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to trust the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and it definitely wasn’t a good idea to get it right before going to get coffee. The food was good and all, but now the consequences are about to show. There’s no need to get into the details, but a gas attack is about to come. I feel really bad for the people sitting around me because they are about to feel the wrath of Taco Bell’s past. Now start to pay attention to people’s movements. Are they getting up and grabbing a new seat? Or gathering their things and leaving the shop all together? Well then there’s a good chance they have been reading everything you’re typing. Proceed with caution. If not, and everyone is staying still, it seems like you are safe, for now.
Write that you are about to blow up the shop. I’ve got a small bomb in my bookbag and I am going to detonate it in like 10 minutes or so. Or just whenever I finish this coffee. It’s still pretty hot so it probably will be at least 10 minutes, I just hope the police don’t show up before then. Now all you have to do is wait about 10 minutes or so. Maybe a little bit longer depending on where you are and how close the nearest police station is. Once that time has passed, if the cops haven’t shown up and you haven’t been arrested, then you should be good to go. No one around you is reading this, because if they were something certainly would have happened by now. If you do get arrested, or at least interrogated, then you have your answer. You can now sleep soundly knowing that people were in fact reading this, and your suspicions had merit.
Well there you go. Use these tips next time you are on your computer in public and want to know if the people around you are nosey Nellies.
Thanks for reading and we’ll see you later alligator,
The H2W@L Writing Staff