Calling all aspiring muscle heads!
If you’re one of the tens of Americans who wish they were in better shape, you may have considered starting a workout regimen. In addition to the numerous health benefits, there can be many other positive impacts of establishing an exercise routine. Higher self-esteem, a more successful love life (or the mere existence of a love life), and more hiding options for hide-and-seek are just a few of these positive impacts.
One of the hottest exercise trends these days is CrossFit. Founded in 2000 by some guy named Greg, CrossFit is advertised as “a lifestyle characterized by safe, effective exercise and sound nutrition.” Sounds simple and vague enough, right? We thought so too, so we figured we’d give it a try. To learn more about this craze gripping the nation, we attended the 2021 CrossFit convention. When we realized the convention was not free, we promptly left. But we did overhear some chatter from other paying convention-goers as they entered the convention, and from that knowledge we’ve compiled this guide to help anyone reach their fitness goals with CrossFit. From our extensive research, we’ve determined the key to mastering CrossFit is to be a DICK.
D – Discuss CrossFit
This tip cannot be stressed enough. One of the first things we realized when conducting our research is that one of the most important parts of doing CrossFit is talking about CrossFit. In order to walk the walk, you have to talk the talk.
I – Introduce Yourself as a CrossFitter
To be a successful CrossFitter it’s imperative that everyone who meets you instantly knows you’re a CrossFitter. Otherwise, what’s the point? When introducing yourself, the word “CrossFit” should be one of the first 5 words out of your mouth.
C – Change the Subject to CrossFit
To master any difficult skill, the mind must be completely dedicated. If the mind departs from the perfection of the skill, the growth stops. One way to ensure you’re constantly thinking and growing, be sure to bring up CrossFit in every conversation, regardless of the discussion topic. The quicker you can change the subject to CrossFit, the better.
K – Kidnap the President of the United States
This step is perhaps the most difficult and most important along your CrossFit journey. As the first three steps are mainly focused on embodying the CrossFit mindset, this final step will actually involve some physical effort. Have you ever tried to kidnap the President of the United States? It’s friggin hard man. Kidnapping POTUS is a very exhausting endeavor, both mentally and physically. It involves sneaking around, crouching, squatting, opening heavy doors, and lifting a fully-grown elderly man and carrying him for long distances against his struggle. All of these exercise elements are key to a CrossFit workout. This is no easy feat, but you can bet your ass you’ll be getting an excellent workout.
A life of CrossFit is difficult and also challenging, but if you’re a DICK, you’ve already won half the battle! Employ these tips and soon you too can be one of the (way too) proud members of the CrossFit community.
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