After lots of thought, you have decided that you definitely do want to quit your job. This decision wasn’t all that easy, but you have made it. It doesn’t always take some big moment to make you realize you want to quit, like when the middle-aged woman from Accounting borderline sexually harasses you every morning. Sometimes all it takes is a grave injustice, like making you work on President’s Day. Everyone knows how passionate you are about Presidents, so how dare the big boss make you come in on that sacred holiday.
So here you are, finally home from work, but too mad to celebrate the holiday. Instead, you pour some fine wine (maybe a 2018 Cab Sav?) and decide to figure out exactly how you plan to finally quit your stupid job. Well, here you go. Here are our tips on how to quit your job. This is: How to Quit Your Job.
Giphy
Find a New Job
You gotta find a new job before you quit the one you have now, plain and simple. Just because your company sucks does not mean that your landlord and bookie are going to forget the money you owe them. Maybe you have some money saved, but just like your next sexual encounter, it won’t last as long as you think. I know finding a job is hard, but you already somehow convinced one company that you are worth hiring, so why can’t you do it again? You gained plenty of unvaluable experience at your current job, so use that to your advantage. Beef up your resume with some somewhat-truthful accomplishments, act like a normal person for 2-3 interviews*, and you’re good to go.
*See Chapter 6 of How To Win At Life, titled How To Tackle Job Interviews
Start Dropping Hints
Now that you have half a foot out the door, it’s time to start subtly letting your co-workers and boss know that you are soon to be gone. What you don’t want to do is just come out and tell everyone you’re quitting. That would come as a surprise, and if the Japanese learned anything from WWII, it’s that surprises don’t work out in the long run. A better way is to ease them into the idea by constantly making jokes about quitting, so they become desensitized to the idea. When your coworker starts talking about that project that’ll be starting in March, just say “Well I mean I won’t be working here in March haha.” The subtle laugh at the end will convince him that you were joking, but it will still leave the door open for the idea. When your boss starts talking to you about next quarter’s sales goals, tell him/her that you hope the team hits their goals, haha. Do stuff like this as often as humanly possible for a few days. Then when you do tell them you’re quitting, they will feel like they somehow already knew it.
Quit Your Job
You’ve got your fancy new job, a fancy new start date, and nothing to lose. This part doesn’t take much planning, just wait for the slightest annoyance at work, and abruptly tell everyone around you that you are quitting. For example, your coworker says “Hey Nick, it looks like you accidentally wrote a 7 here. It was supposed to be a 6. Do you mind changing it real quick? It’ll only take a second. Here you can use my pen. Thanks!”
“I quit”
With your old job now like your ass and behind you, it’s time to start to enjoying life with your shiny new, exciting job. But be sure to save this article for when you feel like you need to come back to it 6 months from now.
Thx 4 reading! Best of luck quitting your job, let us know how it goes!
-The H2W@L Staff
Because of that, you love to take your laptop with you to a coffee shop and write stuff, more specifically, How To articles for dozens of loyal fans. Even though you love doing this, you are worried that the people sitting around you may be peeping Toms and Tammys, and you don’t want them to read what you are writing. Part of that is because a lot of the stuff is inappropriate, but also because you can’t let them get this life-changing advice without first subscribing to the newsletter, because that wouldn’t be fair to the others.
In elementary school, there is usually some kind of barrier to prevent people from peering over their peers’ shoulders and seeing their answers. If not, there is usually some kind of adult monitoring the room, ensuring answers stay safe and cheaters stay punished. But in life, there are no such protections, and no such righteous punishments for peakers. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands. Like a horny 35 year-old virgin, at this point you know no one else is going to do it for you.
Before you can get mad at people for looking at your screen, you must first learn if they are or not. Getting mad at people for no reason is fun, but getting mad at people for a reason is even more fun. We have found that anger seems to be more sincere when there is a legitimate reason behind it.
Odds are there are several ways to tell if someone is reading what you’re writing, but we are only going to talk about the most important ones, because we know your time is valuable. You don’t have time to sit here and read things that aren’t important, and quite frankly we don’t have time to sit here and write things that aren’t important. I wish we did, but unfortunately we don’t. Things might be a little different if my co-worker Becky didn’t talk for so damn long at our “end of day meeting”, but she does, so I don’t have as much free time as I would like. But anyways, this is: How To Tell if the Person Sitting Next to You is Reading What You’re Writing.
Write something really mean about the ugly-ass blue sweater thing the lady sitting at the table right next to you is wearing.I mean what the hell even is that? That top is absolutely horrendous. She is looking at her phone and I don’t see a walking stick or seeing eye dog around her, so I’d imagine she isn’t blind, but you wouldn’t be able to tell that by what she is wearing. I hope that was a gift and she is about to meet the person who bought it for her, because that is really the only explanation to why on earth she would wear that. Now if the lady next to you in the blue sweater thing got upset, said something to you, or reacted in some way, she’s probably reading this. If not, then she probably isn’t, but that doesn’t mean the other people around aren’t. Let’s find out if they are.
Write about how your tummy hurts and you can feel some bad gas coming.Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to trust the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and it definitely wasn’t a good idea to get it right before going to get coffee. The food was good and all, but now the consequences are about to show. There’s no need to get into the details, but a gas attack is about to come. I feel really bad for the people sitting around me because they are about to feel the wrath of Taco Bell’s past.Now start to pay attention to people’s movements. Are they getting up and grabbing a new seat? Or gathering their things and leaving the shop all together? Well then there’s a good chance they have been reading everything you’re typing. Proceed with caution. If not, and everyone is staying still, it seems like you are safe, for now.
Write that you are about to blow up the shop.I’ve got a small bomb in my bookbag and I am going to detonate it in like 10 minutes or so. Or just whenever I finish this coffee. It’s still pretty hot so it probably will be at least 10 minutes, I just hope the police don’t show up before then.Now all you have to do is wait about 10 minutes or so. Maybe a little bit longer depending on where you are and how close the nearest police station is. Once that time has passed, if the cops haven’t shown up and you haven’t been arrested, then you should be good to go. No one around you is reading this, because if they were something certainly would have happened by now. If you do get arrested, or at least interrogated, then you have your answer. You can now sleep soundly knowing that people were in fact reading this, and your suspicions had merit.
Well there you go. Use these tips next time you are on your computer in public and want to know if the people around you are nosey Nellies.
Thanks for reading and we’ll see you later alligator,
Now we know almost all of you are currently or have been students at some point. We also know that learning online is difficult, and we worry that some of you may not be getting as good of an education as you need. To help everyone out and improve the overall IQ of our readers, this newsletter will mimic a day of school by touching on multiple different subjects and topics alike.
English Class
English class is usually pretty boring, so we are going to have to work hard to make it more less boring. We are going to do so by introducing a fun little interactive and educational segment meant to test your knowledge of the English language.
We have cleverly and subtly hidden a grammatical era somewhere in this newsletter, and if you can find the hidden mistake and tell us what it is, you could* be in the running to win a cash prize! So get out your reading glasses, think back to English classes, and try to put us on our asses.
*you wont earn a cash prize
US Politics
If you have turned on the TV or opened the internet in the last week, you know things in this country have been a little crazy as of late. Washington DC is a bit of a mess, and the incidents that occurred last week were, to say the least, not good. Now we aren’t political experts at all, but it seems like there’s an easy fix to all of this. The leaders of this country need to calm down, relax, and MASTURBATE.
Make
A
Smooth
Transition of power.
Unions
R
Better when
Allies form instead of
Treating everyone like
Enemies
If everyone in DC, or anyone else considering taking drastic measures would just MASTURBATE, then maybe normalcy will show its pretty little face again.
Life Science
The world of Life Science today is about one thing and one thing only…COVID-19. It’s like a fart you let loose on an elevator when you’re alone. You thin it’ll go away before anyone else gets on. But it doesn’t. it just lingers, sticking around way longer than you thought. That’s what Coronavirus is, a stinky fart on an elevator.
A new development in this horrible saga are the variants that are being introduced all over the world. The UK B.1.1.7 Variant, which has been confirmed to be in at least 12 US states, is the variant currently making headlines. Viruses have a high mutation rate, so mutations alone are not concerning. What is concerning is where these mutations occur. The 3 main mutations in B.1.1.7 (N501Y, P681H, and 69/70 deletion) all occur in the S gene, which encodes the big bad Spike protein, responsible for virus infiltration of our sacred cells. This is concerning because both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines instruct the body to generate antibodies that identify the virus based on the Spike protein. If the S gene mutates enough, the protein targets may be unrecognizable for the antibodies generated by the vaccines, rendering them ineffective. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet. The vaccine antibodies can identify several different parts of the spike. But the longer this virus stays around, the more it will mutate, and the more likely the current vaccines will no longer be able to recognize the single thing they were made to recognize. So it’s important that we do all that we can to make sure we get rid of this fart on the elevator as soon as possible, or else the wrong people might start to smell it.
Math
Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing.
Here comes another pop quiz. But don’t worry, this one will not be turned in for a grade. This is more for you, so you can get an understanding of where your math skills are. So get off your ath, let’s do some math!
Just try to answer these questions to the best of your ability.
3-4=
6 x 1,000,000,000=
54 is 45 more than what is the answer Martha?
Alright well we hope you enjoyed your day at school. Just remember that having fun and doing drugs and stuff is important, but being educated is more importanter. Now get the hell out of here.
Well it seems like it’s that time a year again. Winter is in full swing, hot chocolate is your best friend, and you have recently realized that you achieved very little this year. This time last year you set high goals for yourself, but like many others, you did not follow through. Oh well, there’s always next year. And since next year is in 2 days, it’s time to start thinking about your New Year’s Resolution, which you really really want to do this year. Below, you will find some tips to help you on your journey to 2021 self-improvement.
Clearly define your goals. Different things mean different things to different people and in different situations. Take for example the phrase “Try Me”. In a toy store, “Try Me” is a playful invitation to push a toy’s button, allowing a young girl/boy to experience the joy of a toy. But using the phrase “Try Me” to a drunken meat-head outside of the bar is a not-so-playful invitation which may push their buttons, which may lead to you getting your ass kicked. That’s why it is important to get specific with your goals. The goal of losing weight can mean two very different things. Instead of using broad terms like that, get more specific and say “Losing 10 pounds”, or “losing enough weight to not get break the toilet at work again”. Setting specific goals will also make it easier to track your progress, and adjust your plan accordingly.
Start Early: Just because it is a New Year’s Resolution does not mean you have to wait until the new year to start. It’s not like you are going to magically be a different person when you wake up in 2021. In fact, you will probably wake up hungover on January 1st, so you aren’t likely to accomplish much that day. So instead of waiting until then, begin working on your resolution as soon as you think of it. Usually a resolution is something that will improve you, so why wait to get started? If making this change will make you a better person, or will make you happier, then start it now. There is no need to wait, because, again, you will not be any different on January 1st than you are now. Hard work takes hard work, so start getting started.
Make Realistic Goals: One thing people often do is set goals for themselves that are just flat-out unobtainable, and then they give up on these goals entirely when they realize they aren’t making the progress they desired. And that is on them, because they should have been more honest with themselves, and so should you. For instance, if you have gotten drunk after work every single day for the last 2 years, maybe setting the goal of doing “Dry January” isn’t right for you. Instead, take baby steps. Maybe start with “Dry January 1st-7th” and see how that goes. Setting more short-term goals can also help you achieve the more long-term goals. If January 4th rolls around and you really want a drink, it may be tough to stick to your plan, knowing you still have 27 more days left. But if you start with Dry January 1st-7th, you only have 3 days left, which may help you overcome that initial craving. When you get through the first 7 days, you might realize that it was easier than you thought, and the idea of doing that just 3 more times doesn’t seem too daunting. So, make realistic, short-term goals, and go from there.
Just Do It: It seems simple, but there is a reason why Nike has made an ass-load of money off this phrase. Whatever your resolution is, just do it. Really, just do it. There is no need to complicate things. If you want to wake up earlier on the weekends, then wake up earlier on the weekends. If you want to exercise more often, or less often, then just do that. There is no need to complicate things. Us humans, especially those of you reading this, are incredibly smart beings, which is a good thing. But having intelligence is kind of like having a massive wiener; at some point it starts to get in the way. And that’s exactly what happens in this situation. We tend to over-complicate some things, and in doing so we hinder our own capabilities. If a dog is outside, and it wants to take a poop, it just poops. Just like that. It could overcomplicate things, but it doesn’t, it simplifies the situation. It wants to take a poop, and so it does, right there. In this over-complicated, fast-paced world, maybe we could learn a lesson from that dog. So this year, I beg you to do one thing: Simplify your world. Take. That. Poop.
Best of luck on your journey this year. No matter what happens, just know we’re going through the same shit together!
You may see the term “party” and instantly be taken aback, and for good reason. At the time that this masterpiece is being concocted, COVID-19 continues to ravage it’s way through America like a lion a carcass. The virus is being passed around like a bong at a CU-Boulder frat party, and quite frankly it looks like there’s no end in sight. Regardless, we are human beings, and we have lives we need to live. We will NOT let something as small as an invisible virus get in the way of us having fun. We only live once, which is something millions are currently finding out the hard way.
With evictions being at an all-time high, a lot of people may find themselves moving into new places. Even if it’s moving back into your parents’ house because you lost your job, or just crashing on a friend’s couch while you get back on your feet, moving into a new place is always something to celebrate. One of the best ways to celebrate moving in is to host a House-Warming Party. Even though there is a massive global pandemic going on, there are still ways to do so in a safe and fun manner.
Before we get into how to have a house-warming party, we should first discuss why to have an HWP. It may seem like there are a lot of reasons to do so, but in this unprecedented time where we don’t even know what normal means, the only reason to have a house-warming party nowadays is this: because you’re cold. With winter well underway, it has been rather cold in many parts of the country. Now more than ever, it is important that your house stays warm. That’s why you, your roommate(s), and 0 of your closest friends should throw a massive house-warming banger.
Throwing an intimate house-warming party used to be stressful, but not anymore. Just follow these simple tricks, and your cold house will be well on its way to warming up!
1. Wait until it is cold
this may seem counterintuitive, but it’s actually counter-counterintuitive, as in it’s intuitive. Throwing a house-warming party when it is not cold out is super easy and not even worth it. All you have to do is turn the AC off and voila, it’s warm. There’s no fun in taking the easy way out. That’s why it’s important to wait until it is cold before you have the party. To tell if it’s cold, just use your instincts; I mean we are animals. Just sit there for a second and use your senses. They say if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck. The same is true with coldness. If it feels like it’s cold and it feels like it’s cold, it’s probably cold. When this is true, it’s time to have your house-warming party.
2. Turn on the heat
Now that it’s properly cold out, it’s time to bring the heat. A good way to do this is by turning on the heater in your home. The heater, named for the fact that it heats things, should get your place nice and warm. If your house has a central heating system, there is one step to doing this, so this step is e-central (shitty pun intended). You or one of your roommates just needs to turn on the heat, however it is that you do this. It should only be you or your roommates doing this, because y’all should pretty much be the only people there (pandemic). If you don’t have central heating, then everyone will have to turn on their own heat in their rooms. Tricky, but doable. I myself am a fan of central heating. But again, that is just a personal preference, and it is in no way intended to be a mockery of those without it.
3. Bake something
Now that you’re starting to feel the heat, it might be time to start to feel the hEAT. You can start to do this by baking something, preferably a dessert type. Cookies, brownies, or a cake are great ways to bring the hEAT and also provide ample bonding opportunities for you and your roommates. And, when you bake things in the oven, even more heat is released, adding to the thrill that the house-warming party already is! Just be sure to only bake enough food for you and your roommates, because those should be the only people there.
4. Share some loving memories
With the heat on and the food in the oven, you’ve got your surroundings nice and warm. Now all that’s left is to warm your insides, and I could not mean that in a less sexual way. What you and your roommates, and no one else, should do is go around and talk about some of your favorite memories together. Or just talk about some funny stories that were before their time. This will help you get to know each other better, strengthen your potentially already strong relationship, and thus warm your heart. Even the thought of some of you having a nice bondage time with your roommates warms my heart a little.
Well, after putting all of this on paper, it kind of feels like this is less of a party and more of a casual time with the people you live with. But in these unprecedentedly uncertain and trying times, that doesn’t sound too bad.
You know sometimes when you ask someone what their goals in life are, and they say that they just want to be happy? That’s such a cheesy answer. But then again, cheesy things are usually pretty good. Like could you imagine a big juicy cheeseburger without cheese? That would just be a burger. A pizza without cheese would be weird, and a bowl of queso without cheese would just be an empty bowl.
What I am trying to say is that sometimes being cheesy is good. And in this case, a life goal of “just being happy” is actually a pretty good one. Being happy isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would be happy, and if you’ve ever walked down a street in New York City, you know everyone isn’t happy. But someone somewhere once said “Any goal in life that is easy isn’t worth doing” -Someone, circa Sometime A.D.
There is no formula for being happy. Many scientists and mathematicians alike have tried to find the secret formula to being happy, and every single one of them have failed. That’s because happiness cannot be defined with numbers. It can, however, be defined with words, and more specifically, acronyms. That is where the H2W@L team comes in.
Our team sat down and decided we weren’t leaving until we found out exactly what it is that makes people happy. We called our wives and told them we may not be home for several days, don’t wait up. Luckily for us though, we were able to come up with a pretty solid solution in just under 10 minutes. During that time, we decided that the best way to be truly happy is to use DRUGS.
D: dance like nobody’s watching. Dancing almost instantly puts you in a better mood because it helps you forget about the troubles in your life, and makes you focus on just how bad at dancing you are. The embarrassment of being seen as a bad dancer is usually enough to keep most from dancing at all, so the best thing to do is to just pretend that no one is watching. Odds are that no one actually is watching, because most people don’t care what you are doing. That may sound like a jab at you, and in a way it is, but it is also meant to help you relax and dance like a fool. Turn on some music, let loose, and put on your scissor shoes and cut that rug.
R: run/exercise. If you have ever read a self-help article about being happy, you have more than like seen the phrase “Exercising releases endorphins.” This is one of those classic, super over-used, cookie-cutter phrases that we hate. So you will never see us use that exact phrase, which is better than what a lot of “self-help” people can say. But, we will say, that endorphins are released when you exercise. Endorphins release extra fast when you run, because they too are trying to escape the absolute hell that running is.
U: unwind after long days. Sometimes a day will just lace up their boots, set you down the field, and absolutely kick your ass. Such is life mon amigos…such is life. But you know the age old adage, “it’s not about how hard you fall, it’s about the things you do in response to ensure that you don’t stay down for too long.” We think that phrase is beautiful, and we would definitely have that printed on a t-shirt if it wasn’t so long. But after those ass-kicking days, it is important that you take the time to make sure that this feeling doesn’t last. Find something you really enjoy, healthy or not, and make sure to do said thing after those especially difficult days. Doing things you enjoy will help you forget that you spend most of your life doing things you don’t enjoy.
G: go somewhere. Have a nice trip, we’ll see you next fall. Going somewhere new will help you clear your mind faster than a 16 year-old clears his browser history. Sometimes it may not seem plausible to take a trip, given the expenses and time requirements. But your mental health and happiness are important, and sometimes you have to make those kinds of sacrifices for your own benefit. We promise it won’t seem like much of a sacrifice once you are on the trip. It doesn’t have to be some extravagant parade through Europe where you Instagram everything you do. It can just be a quick weekend getaway where you break from the norm. A little change of scenery can go a long way in making you happier than a camper high on shrooms.
S: sleep. You may not actually be sad, you may just be tired. Obviously you sleep basically every day, but you may not be getting enough sleep. If you feel like you need a boost, make a plan to not make any plans for two (2) consecutive nights. On those nights, go to bed super early and get a “fuck you” amount of sleep. Doing this two days in a row ought to reset whatever the hell was wrong with you, and you should notice some immediate improvements to your mental state. Studies have shown that sleep improves people’s moods because “sleep is awesome.” We here at H2W@L don’t endorse anything at all unless we personally believe in it, or unless someone is willing to pay us to “believe” in it. Obviously the ladder isn’t happening, so us endorsing sleep like this should mean a lot. We ran our own tests to see if scientists were right, and we came to the same conclusion: sleeping is awesome. Do it.
If you notice that you’ve been down for a little bit, you should at least just give DRUGS a try. You may just like it. But it is also important to find someone who can help you use DRUGS. Someone you can rely on to be there to dance with you, travel with you, and sleep with you. Find yourself a reliable DRUGS dealer, and you may just be happy the rest of your life.
Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.
For most people, college is the best 5-7 years of their life.
It is the first time people get a taste of freedom, and they take advantage. People make friendships that last forever, and some even meet their future spouses whilst on campus. College is a place where “Dollar Beer” nights turn into “Where the Hell am I?” nights multiple times a month, but youth prevents any form of morning sickness. Grownups often times envy college students for their combination of freedom and lack of true responsibilities, and it’s easy to see why.
What most people don’t know is that college is also a place where one can obtain a pretty nice education. Students can choose to study whichever topics they like, and doing so can prepare them for illustrious careers once they graduate. Students can also choose to study topics that don’t prepare them for illustrious careers, and that is fine too.
Colleges are American staples because they provide an incredible opportunity for people to grow, learn, and set up the rest of their lives’ for better. A college degree used to almost guarantee a graduate a job in the field of their choice, but much like those drinks from Dollar Beer Night, college degrees now seem to be a little watered down. With schools mandating a number of unrelated electives, and the number of people with a degree always growing, a college degree may not mean as much as it used to. In these times of unprecedented uncertainty with the Coronavirus, the class of 2020 may be wondering how they will ever find a job. The H2W@L team, made up of some with badass life-science degrees and nerdy engineering degrees, collectively decided that the only way to find a job after college is to LIE.
Recent college grab without a job
L – Learn new skills
For some reason, companies want people who can do things. Getting a job is less about what you know, and more about what you can do. A good way to be able to do things is by learning to do things. Find holes within yourself (not sexually) and try to fill those holes (again, not sexually). Try to learn some skills that will complement the few skills you actually already have. Computer programming skills and data analytics knowledge are two nerdy ways you can help improve your chances at landing a job.
I – Invent credentials
If you have ever worked a job, you may have noticed that most of the people there were actually pretty dumb. This goes for Hiring Managers too, most of them don’t know what they’re doing. Use this knowledge to your advantage next time you are applying for a job. To boost your chances, you can simply make up educational or work history, as long as it is somewhat reasonable. Things like lying about your GPA, making up a related unpaid internship, bragging about running a parody how-to newsletter with tens of subscribers, or claiming to be President of a club that didn’t actually exist are great, safe ways to stand out. Most Hiring Managers don’t really care about their jobs, so they won’t bother to fact check anything that seems reasonable.
E – Experience
Companies are always looking for people who have experience doing the things their new job will require. Applicants need to be able to point to specific times in which they did similar tasks, and without experience, it can be very difficult to find employment. The best way to get a job is to have experience, and the best way to get experience is by having a job. Without experience, it can be tough to get a job, and without a job, it can be tough to get experience. This entire situation is just a big “Catch-22.” How do I know this is a Catch-22? I googled “What does Catch-22 mean?”, and the results seemed to describe this situation pretty well.
For all of you recent grads out there, or not-so-recent grads that are still struggling to find your dream job, I hope this post helps you out. Remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully the wisdom gained in this post will help make that tunnel a little shorter.
Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.
You’re having a pretty nice little Saturday, watching some College Football with 2-24 of your closest friends. Your alma mater is playing, which is stressful for a while, but eventually turns out well. The only thing you are enjoying more than the beautiful weather is the great company of your friends. Everything is going well, but things are about to turn. The first sign is when Ben trips on the cord, turning the game off in the middle of the 4th quarter. What the hell, Ben? First day walking? But that’s just the beginning. The next thing you know, that annoying stomach pain that has been bothering you since Wednesday evening (starting around 6:30 maybe?) starts to get a little sharper. You haven’t had any other concerning symptoms like fever or trouble breathing, so you wait a little bit for some people to leave so as to not be a buzz-kill. But as soon as they leave, you go inside to lay down on the couch to kill the pain. Somehow this seems to make it worse? Makes sense. Not long after that, you call your mom to put her into a panic, before heading back over to your friends to see if any of them can give you a quick little ride to visit Mr. Emergency Room. None of them can, hence the Saturday and watching football, but they are very helpful in calling you an Uber and making sure everything is okay. You text them later to show your appreciation, obviously.
One $6, 5-Star Uber ride with Stephen later (thanks again Stephen!), you’re in the emergency room explaining to doctors, nurses, and other smart people why you are there. You answer all of their questions as specifically as you can, hoping this gives them something to go off of. They do everything they can, including drawing blood as well as Da Vinci. They even set you up for a CAT scan, which is crazy! Luckily the scan shows nothing concerning, but the blood tests show some elevated numbers, which makes sense given that you have hypothetically been taking some Ibuprofen for your hypothetical shoulder pain. Even though nothing is crazy, the ER Doc and yourself decide to stay the night, get some fluids in you, and check things out in the morning.
Well, the next morning turns into the next day, which then turns into the next night. Doctors and nurses come in and out of your room like the tide a beach, poking you often and stealing all of your blood. But the stealing of your blood is actually good, as it allows the doctors to rule out all major health issues. Oh good grief, that’s a relief! Three days later, it is decided that all of your issues somehow came from taking even less than the recommended amount of stupid Ibuprofen. You swear you love all of your kidneys equally, but you know one of them is a weak little bitch. At least now you know this moving forward.
Now this exact situation is something that probably happens to you all the time, but if not, then this article aims to prepare you for the inevitable first time. In this next section I will lay out a handful of fun, safe activities you can do in your hospital gown to keep you from dying of boredom. Well maybe “dying” isn’t the right term to use when you are in the ER, but you get the point. This is: How to Kill Time in the Hospital.
Watch the entire Austin Powers trilogy on TBS
This recommendation assumes your overnight room has a personal TV, which most modern hospitals have. But the best way to do this is to simply turn on your TV and scroll through the channels until you happen to stumble upon the opening scene of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Sure it’s the TV version of the movie, so there are commercials and no fucking curse words, but it’s still pretty funny. Right now you may feel like the International Man of Misery, but hopefully this movie, and the two others that are to follow, will cheer you up. I know they would cheer me up in that hypothetical situation if I was ever in it.
Fast for 6 hours
Despite the name, fasting is a very slow process. But this is good when you are trying to waste time. You can spend this time dreaming of that next, semi-warm meal you will be getting at the end of the fast. Choosing six hours for your fast isn’t necessary, but it is just the right amount of time you need to be fasting in order to get an ultrasound of your belly, which is cool! Speaking of…
Get an ultrasound of your belly
This is really good advice. In fact you could say that it is ultra-sound advice. Anyways, to get scientific, an ultra sound is when someone puts some jelly on your belly and uses a little wand thing to look at the inside of your tummy. Sometimes they even take pictures of your inside tummy too! Ultrasounds are ultra versatile because they can not only tell you the sex of the baby if you are pregnant, but they can also be used to diagnose other things I think. These things can take anywhere from 15 minutes if you are cooperative, to well over an hour if you are incredibly difficult and don’t listen to anything the technician asks of you. So if you’re bored, ask your nurse if you can go down the hall and get a quick ultrasound.
Show some people your ass
Once you have been in the hospital long enough, the workers will honor you with a nice, comfy gown. This gown covers your private parts while simultaneously not covering your ass. This provides you an opportunity that cannot be found in the wild. In the wild, like the workplace or your child’s daycare, showing everyone around you your ass can get you into a lot of trouble. But not in the hospital, where there are no rules. In the hospital, showing someone your ass is more of a sign of respect. But doing so can also be used to your benefit. For instance, say you are in your room and you can hear a group of nurses chit-chatting right outside of your room. Since the walls are so GD thin, you know they aren’t talking about anything important. You would obviously like for them to go talk somewhere else where you won’t be bothered by it, but you are too nice to ask them to do so. What you can do is this: remove your undergarments but keep on your gown. Then walk into the hallway with a small, unbreakable item (like a pen), drop said item, say out loud “Aw man” so as to get their attention, then bend down and pick it up. Them seeing that side, or inside, of you will be so gross they will almost certainly end their conversation right there, or they will disperse in order to go vomit somewhere. Either way it’s a win-win.
Watch like 6 minutes of a terrible show on Lifetime HD
Doing this will only kill a little bit of time (roughly 6 minutes or so) but it will provide a lot of entertainment and false self-confidence. The acting in these movies are so atrociously terrible that it is actually funny. The same goes with the storyline, which you can somehow tell is terrible even within these short 6 minutes. The false self-confidence comes into play when you begin to think you could do a better job of acting than the people in the movie do. You can’t, but it is fun to think that you could.
Take random pictures
This one is very simple and self-explanatory. Even while you’re just lying in bed, you can pull out your phone and just take pictures of anything you want. You can keep the pictures on your phone, you can delete them right away, or you can do something like share them to an entire email subscriber list. Pictures are versatile and what you choose to do with this is completely up to you.
A picture worth 10-15 words
Get an X-Ray
X-Ray? More like X-rAAAAYYYYY, because those things are lit. X-rays are really cool because you just kind of stand there while some guy behind a 10-inch wall of steel tells you what to do. He tells you that the machine is safe and all, but for some reason he stands as far away from the machine as possible. But he swears there’s nothing to worry about!
Write a silly ‘How To’ article
Usually, doing this doesn’t take all that long, and it’s super easy, but it will help pass a little bit of time without really straining you, mentally or physically. You can write an article on the topic of your choice. You can even write an article outlining the things you did earlier that day, no matter how boring it was. The people who read How To articles are usually kind of dumb anyways, so they probably won’t care.
Now that you have officially knocked out almost 3 full days of complete free-time, it’s time to go home. You may not have really enjoyed your time in there, but you will miss one thing dearly: showing your ass to everyone you walk by. Next time you find yourself with a hypothetical acute kidney problem, use these tips to make time fly!
There is no debating that the modern world is one that is incredibly complex. While things are constantly changing and growing, it is also often noticeable that all things are somehow becoming one in the same. Fast-food restaurants, clothing, movies; all of these things revolve around one idea: getting laid. In the next 24 hours, the average person who is alive today will think about getting laid infinitely times more than someone who is not alive today. That is because society is starting to revolve around the idea. Some believe this is concerning, some believe this is sick, but all agree that it is true.
This goes double for tiles. For tiles, getting laid is the culmination of a lifetime of hard work. Getting laid for a tile means that someone is finally recognizing the effort the tile has made. It is easy to see why a tile is constantly worried about getting laid, because doing so sets up their entire future. Who lays the tiles determines where the tiles will live, how well they will be treated, and what types of things will be spilled on them.
Tiles are constantly worrying about their appearance because they know how important that is to humans like us. Think about your home and how many tiles there are around. There are probably some in the bathrooms, the laundry room if you have one, and sometimes even in kitchens. We have all been affected by tiles, but I don’t think we give them the credit they deserve. I mean when was the last time one of your bathroom tiles walked out on you? Probably never, and that is saying something given the amount of nasty things you have spilled on them. But that’s Ok, because that’s what tiles are for. They get hard at the idea of getting things spilled on them, because they know they can handle it better than their carpet rivals. Tiles are really the blue-collar workers of floor boards. They will be there when you need them and they will simply get the job done. Because of this, we decided to help out some of our tile buddies in need.
Common tiles doing WORK
New tiles can struggle to get laid at times because old tiles are just so reliable. Almost all homes already have them, and since they don’t wear out easily, the demand for tiles isn’t always that high. For the tiles that are sitting in Home Depot wondering when they will ever get laid, this article is for you.
The first step in getting laid is getting selected, so here are our 5 tips for making that happen. Hang in there, and God Speed.
Be shiny: Humans are simple beings. We are almost instantly drawn to shiny things. This is why coins have been around for so long even though they hold literally no value, monetarily or otherwise. A shiny tile is much more likely to catch the attention than a dull one. It may seem a little outlandish to purposefully draw a bunch of attention to yourself, but if you have been stuck on that shelf for a while now then it may be time to try something new. We all know the definition of insanity right? So get yourself some Crest Whitening Tilepaste and shine bright like a diamond.
Be cheap: Humans are also simple beings in the fact that we let our wallets make a lot of our decisions for us. Being cheap will make you much more attractive to those shopping on a budget. Most people don’t know the difference between a good tile and a bad one, so the price-tag is often times the deciding factor. Being both cheap and shiny is an easy way to get selected.
Be on the bottom level: A lot of shoppers are absolutely horrified at the idea of asking a worker for help when they are shopping, tile-shoppers especially. Knowing this, it is important to position yourself where the average adult can reach you without having to ask for help. Asking for help is so terrifying that even the nicest of tiles will go un-laid simply based on their shelf-height.
Don’t be too selective: Most tiles dream of working in a nice big mansion, and rightfully so. Having caviar and champagne spilled on you and then quickly cleaned up is much more enticing than having Beanie Weanies spilled and left for days. But sometimes dreams need to be given up on. You know what they call the poorest tile owner? A tile owner. Someone shopping for tiles can spot a picky tile from feet away. If you’ve been struggling and you just really want to get laid, then you might need to give up your predispositions. Getting laid is always better than not. Trust us, we know all about the second part of that statement.
Be sharp: In humans, curvy is beautiful. A curve on someone’s body is a sign that they have lived. But for tiles, the opposite is true. A tile should be sharp and rigid, signifying that they have not live. A tile isn’t supposed to change it’s shape at all, because it doesn’t need to. You know what is easily bendable? Carpet. Fuck carpet. No one likes carpet. You spill one thing on it and it and the carpet will condescendingly remind you of that spill every time you look at it. Sure carpets are soft, but being soft is easy. Being hard is hard. Be proud of being a tile and stay true to your rigidity and sharp edges.
Alright, that’s it. We hope you tiles have enjoyed this much needed appreciation post. I am sorry that you have been struggling, but keep your head up. Follow our advice, and you may find yourself getting laid sooner than you ever dreamed.
When you think back to your childhood, a few memories may stick out.
Your first day at a new school, a little-league athletic achievement, an awkward moment with an elderly person, or a family vacation may be some of those events that stick out. Now when you think about trees, there are also some things that stick out, and we usually call those “branches”. Trees use branches as a way to improve their growth. When branches stick out, instead of up, it’s because this allows them to reach more sunlight and rain-water, allowing them to grow. You could say that a tree needs to “branch out” in order to see personal growth, and you wouldn’t be wrong.
People also use this tactic as a way to grow. “Branching out” allows you to experience new experiences, allowing you to meet new people and see the world from a different vantage point. But sometimes, when you’re going through some things, the best thing to do is to “branch up”, as in climb a tree. Climbing a nice big tree is a good way to escape (albeit temporarily) the horrors of reality. It requires no human interactions, no internet connection, and no money. People ask me all the time what I do to clear my mind when I feel stressed or overwhelmed, and my answer is always the same. I tell them that I just get really high; as in I climb the biggest tree I can find. Sitting atop my wooden friend and becoming one with nature gives me a brighter and more positive outlook on life.
Dumb kid climbing a tree
It’s probably been a while since you climbed your last tree, and that’s fine. It is a simple task, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take any precautions before getting started. Here, I will lay out for you a step-by-step guide to climbing a tree. This is: How to Climb a Tree
Select your tree
The common dating phrase “there’s a lot of trees in the woods” is used extensively because it’s mainly true. You rarely see one tree standing alone, as it is usually surrounded by others. This is good, because it gives you plenty of options. It is impossible to tell you exactly how to pick your tree of interest because everyone has different tastes. One man’s mold is another man’s treasure. But personally, I prefer my tree to be of easy access, meaning there is nothing in the way at the bottom of the tree. Some prefer a little junk at the trunk, but not me. I also look for a tree that has a good balance of height and branch-levels. The higher the tree, the higher the climbing potential. But getting to the top is made easier the more branches there are, so try to find a tree that is both tall, and has ample branches. The best way to do this is to calculate the density of the tree, or better known as TD. TD is defined as TD=Bs/(Th x Bt), where Bs= # of solid branches, Th= tree height (m), and Bt= # of total branches. If you find yourself struggling with these calculations, just send us a clear picture of your TDs and we will gladly judge them for you.
Map your route to the top
Unlike a career, getting to the top of a tree is usually pretty straight-forward. But it is still important to take a literal step back and identify step-by-step how you will get up there. Go ahead and determine where you will make your initial step, the branches you will use along your route, and your stopping point. When it comes to branches, the thicker the better, obviously. The thicker the branch, the more weight it can support, and the less likely it is to give out while you stand on it. But also note the angle at which the branch branches out from the tree. A branch that moves in an upward trajectory will be stronger than one that angles downwards. So when mapping your route to the top, identify some strong looking branches that are not too far apart, because the smaller the step, the easier it will be.
Climb the tree
You’ve done all the dirty work, now it’s time to reap the rewards. Remain calm and simply remember your plan. Only use branches that you have pre-determined will be able to support you. Now climb as high as you feel comfortable.
Take a moment to relax
Now that you have climbed as high as you can, take some time to clear your mind. Sitting atop a tree gives you a new perspective. In a way it helps you realize that some things in life aren’t as important as we think they are. Human beings are actually pretty simple, but modern life is stressful, and sometimes confusing. Sitting at the top of a tree, away from technology and other people can help you re-evaluate your life. Take this alone time to figure out what is important to you. Sitting in a tree provides a unique opportunity to learn about yourself. It also makes you way cooler than the lazy losers who are on the ground.
(Optional) Just stay in the tree
The real-world fucking sucks, so just stay up there. Just live in the tree for as long as you can and stay away from all the other bullshit.
Climb down
The climb down from a tree is inherently more dangerous than the climb up. It can be difficult to place your feet on the proper branches when they are below you, so take your time on your descent. Try to use the same branches you used going up since you already know they are sturdy enough. Take it one step at a time, and make sure you have a firm grip before each step down. Relax, remember your training, and you’ll be safely at the bottom in no time.
Now that you have successfully climbed the tree, you should notice some personal differences. Physically, you are in the exact same place as you were before you started. But mentally, you are in a much better place. Your mind is clear, your stress has evaporated, and you are ready to get back into the thralls of life with a new attitude. But just because you are done climbing does not mean you should be done growing. Remember the time you spent in the tree. Remember the positive thoughts and conclusions you came to while up there and be sure to incorporate them into your life moving forward.
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