How To: New Year’s Resolutions

Well it seems like it’s that time a year again. Winter is in full swing, hot chocolate is your best friend, and you have recently realized that you achieved very little this year. This time last year you set high goals for yourself, but like many others, you did not follow through. Oh well, there’s always next year. And since next year is in 2 days, it’s time to start thinking about your New Year’s Resolution, which you really really want to do this year. Below, you will find some tips to help you on your journey to 2021 self-improvement.

Clearly define your goals. Different things mean different things to different people and in different situations. Take for example the phrase “Try Me”. In a toy store, “Try Me” is a playful invitation to push a toy’s button, allowing a young girl/boy to experience the joy of a toy. But using the phrase “Try Me” to a drunken meat-head outside of the bar is a not-so-playful invitation which may push their buttons, which may lead to you getting your ass kicked. That’s why it is important to get specific with your goals. The goal of losing weight can mean two very different things. Instead of using broad terms like that, get more specific and say “Losing 10 pounds”, or “losing enough weight to not get break the toilet at work again”. Setting specific goals will also make it easier to track your progress, and adjust your plan accordingly.
Start Early: Just because it is a New Year’s Resolution does not mean you have to wait until the new year to start. It’s not like you are going to magically be a different person when you wake up in 2021. In fact, you will probably wake up hungover on January 1st, so you aren’t likely to accomplish much that day. So instead of waiting until then, begin working on your resolution as soon as you think of it. Usually a resolution is something that will improve you, so why wait to get started? If making this change will make you a better person, or will make you happier, then start it now. There is no need to wait, because, again, you will not be any different on January 1st than you are now. Hard work takes hard work, so start getting started.
Make Realistic Goals: One thing people often do is set goals for themselves that are just flat-out unobtainable, and then they give up on these goals entirely when they realize they aren’t making the progress they desired. And that is on them, because they should have been more honest with themselves, and so should you. For instance, if you have gotten drunk after work every single day for the last 2 years, maybe setting the goal of doing “Dry January” isn’t right for you. Instead, take baby steps. Maybe start with “Dry January 1st-7th” and see how that goes. Setting more short-term goals can also help you achieve the more long-term goals. If January 4th rolls around and you really want a drink, it may be tough to stick to your plan, knowing you still have 27 more days left. But if you start with Dry January 1st-7th, you only have 3 days left, which may help you overcome that initial craving. When you get through the first 7 days, you might realize that it was easier than you thought, and the idea of doing that just 3 more times doesn’t seem too daunting. So, make realistic, short-term goals, and go from there.
Just Do It: It seems simple, but there is a reason why Nike has made an ass-load of money off this phrase. Whatever your resolution is, just do it. Really, just do it. There is no need to complicate things. If you want to wake up earlier on the weekends, then wake up earlier on the weekends. If you want to exercise more often, or less often, then just do that. There is no need to complicate things. Us humans, especially those of you reading this, are incredibly smart beings, which is a good thing. But having intelligence is kind of like having a massive wiener; at some point it starts to get in the way. And that’s exactly what happens in this situation. We tend to over-complicate some things, and in doing so we hinder our own capabilities. If a dog is outside, and it wants to take a poop, it just poops. Just like that. It could overcomplicate things, but it doesn’t, it simplifies the situation. It wants to take a poop, and so it does, right there. In this over-complicated, fast-paced world, maybe we could learn a lesson from that dog. So this year, I beg you to do one thing: Simplify your world. Take. That. Poop.

Best of luck on your journey this year. No matter what happens, just know we’re going through the same shit together!

November 13, 2020December 9, 2020

How To Be Happy

You know sometimes when you ask someone what their goals in life are, and they say that they just want to be happy? That’s such a cheesy answer. But then again, cheesy things are usually pretty good. Like could you imagine a big juicy cheeseburger without cheese? That would just be a burger. A pizza without cheese would be weird, and a bowl of queso without cheese would just be an empty bowl.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes being cheesy is good. And in this case, a life goal of “just being happy” is actually a pretty good one. Being happy isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would be happy, and if you’ve ever walked down a street in New York City, you know everyone isn’t happy. But someone somewhere once said “Any goal in life that is easy isn’t worth doing” -Someone, circa Sometime A.D.

There is no formula for being happy. Many scientists and mathematicians alike have tried to find the secret formula to being happy, and every single one of them have failed. That’s because happiness cannot be defined with numbers. It can, however, be defined with words, and more specifically, acronyms. That is where the H2W@L team comes in.

Our team sat down and decided we weren’t leaving until we found out exactly what it is that makes people happy. We called our wives and told them we may not be home for several days, don’t wait up. Luckily for us though, we were able to come up with a pretty solid solution in just under 10 minutes. During that time, we decided that the best way to be truly happy is to use DRUGS.

D: dance like nobody’s watching. Dancing almost instantly puts you in a better mood because it helps you forget about the troubles in your life, and makes you focus on just how bad at dancing you are. The embarrassment of being seen as a bad dancer is usually enough to keep most from dancing at all, so the best thing to do is to just pretend that no one is watching. Odds are that no one actually is watching, because most people don’t care what you are doing. That may sound like a jab at you, and in a way it is, but it is also meant to help you relax and dance like a fool. Turn on some music, let loose, and put on your scissor shoes and cut that rug.

R: run/exercise. If you have ever read a self-help article about being happy, you have more than like seen the phrase “Exercising releases endorphins.” This is one of those classic, super over-used, cookie-cutter phrases that we hate. So you will never see us use that exact phrase, which is better than what a lot of “self-help” people can say. But, we will say, that endorphins are released when you exercise. Endorphins release extra fast when you run, because they too are trying to escape the absolute hell that running is.

U: unwind after long days. Sometimes a day will just lace up their boots, set you down the field, and absolutely kick your ass. Such is life mon amigos…such is life. But you know the age old adage, “it’s not about how hard you fall, it’s about the things you do in response to ensure that you don’t stay down for too long.” We think that phrase is beautiful, and we would definitely have that printed on a t-shirt if it wasn’t so long. But after those ass-kicking days, it is important that you take the time to make sure that this feeling doesn’t last. Find something you really enjoy, healthy or not, and make sure to do said thing after those especially difficult days. Doing things you enjoy will help you forget that you spend most of your life doing things you don’t enjoy.

G: go somewhere. Have a nice trip, we’ll see you next fall. Going somewhere new will help you clear your mind faster than a 16 year-old clears his browser history. Sometimes it may not seem plausible to take a trip, given the expenses and time requirements. But your mental health and happiness are important, and sometimes you have to make those kinds of sacrifices for your own benefit. We promise it won’t seem like much of a sacrifice once you are on the trip. It doesn’t have to be some extravagant parade through Europe where you Instagram everything you do. It can just be a quick weekend getaway where you break from the norm. A little change of scenery can go a long way in making you happier than a camper high on shrooms.

S: sleep. You may not actually be sad, you may just be tired. Obviously you sleep basically every day, but you may not be getting enough sleep. If you feel like you need a boost, make a plan to not make any plans for two (2) consecutive nights. On those nights, go to bed super early and get a “fuck you” amount of sleep. Doing this two days in a row ought to reset whatever the hell was wrong with you, and you should notice some immediate improvements to your mental state. Studies have shown that sleep improves people’s moods because “sleep is awesome.” We here at H2W@L don’t endorse anything at all unless we personally believe in it, or unless someone is willing to pay us to “believe” in it. Obviously the ladder isn’t happening, so us endorsing sleep like this should mean a lot. We ran our own tests to see if scientists were right, and we came to the same conclusion: sleeping is awesome. Do it.

If you notice that you’ve been down for a little bit, you should at least just give DRUGS a try. You may just like it. But it is also important to find someone who can help you use DRUGS. Someone you can rely on to be there to dance with you, travel with you, and sleep with you. Find yourself a reliable DRUGS dealer, and you may just be happy the rest of your life.

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October 13, 2020

How To Get a Job After College

For most people, college is the best 5-7 years of their life.

It is the first time people get a taste of freedom, and they take advantage. People make friendships that last forever, and some even meet their future spouses whilst on campus. College is a place where “Dollar Beer” nights turn into “Where the Hell am I?” nights multiple times a month, but youth prevents any form of morning sickness. Grownups often times envy college students for their combination of freedom and lack of true responsibilities, and it’s easy to see why.

What most people don’t know is that college is also a place where one can obtain a pretty nice education. Students can choose to study whichever topics they like, and doing so can prepare them for illustrious careers once they graduate. Students can also choose to study topics that don’t prepare them for illustrious careers, and that is fine too.

Colleges are American staples because they provide an incredible opportunity for people to grow, learn, and set up the rest of their lives’ for better. A college degree used to almost guarantee a graduate a job in the field of their choice, but much like those drinks from Dollar Beer Night, college degrees now seem to be a little watered down. With schools mandating a number of unrelated electives, and the number of people with a degree always growing, a college degree may not mean as much as it used to. In these times of unprecedented uncertainty with the Coronavirus, the class of 2020 may be wondering how they will ever find a job. The H2W@L team, made up of some with badass life-science degrees and nerdy engineering degrees, collectively decided that the only way to find a job after college is to LIE.

college grad — Recent college grab without a job

L – Learn new skills

For some reason, companies want people who can do things. Getting a job is less about what you know, and more about what you can do. A good way to be able to do things is by learning to do things. Find holes within yourself (not sexually) and try to fill those holes (again, not sexually). Try to learn some skills that will complement the few skills you actually already have. Computer programming skills and data analytics knowledge are two nerdy ways you can help improve your chances at landing a job.

I – Invent credentials

If you have ever worked a job, you may have noticed that most of the people there were actually pretty dumb. This goes for Hiring Managers too, most of them don’t know what they’re doing. Use this knowledge to your advantage next time you are applying for a job. To boost your chances, you can simply make up educational or work history, as long as it is somewhat reasonable. Things like lying about your GPA, making up a related unpaid internship, bragging about running a parody how-to newsletter with tens of subscribers, or claiming to be President of a club that didn’t actually exist are great, safe ways to stand out. Most Hiring Managers don’t really care about their jobs, so they won’t bother to fact check anything that seems reasonable.

E – Experience

Companies are always looking for people who have experience doing the things their new job will require. Applicants need to be able to point to specific times in which they did similar tasks, and without experience, it can be very difficult to find employment. The best way to get a job is to have experience, and the best way to get experience is by having a job. Without experience, it can be tough to get a job, and without a job, it can be tough to get experience. This entire situation is just a big “Catch-22.” How do I know this is a Catch-22? I googled “What does Catch-22 mean?”, and the results seemed to describe this situation pretty well.

For all of you recent grads out there, or not-so-recent grads that are still struggling to find your dream job, I hope this post helps you out. Remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully the wisdom gained in this post will help make that tunnel a little shorter.

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September 9, 2020September 9, 2020

How to Climb a Tree

When you think back to your childhood, a few memories may stick out.

Your first day at a new school, a little-league athletic achievement, an awkward moment with an elderly person, or a family vacation may be some of those events that stick out. Now when you think about trees, there are also some things that stick out, and we usually call those “branches”. Trees use branches as a way to improve their growth. When branches stick out, instead of up, it’s because this allows them to reach more sunlight and rain-water, allowing them to grow. You could say that a tree needs to “branch out” in order to see personal growth, and you wouldn’t be wrong.

People also use this tactic as a way to grow. “Branching out” allows you to experience new experiences, allowing you to meet new people and see the world from a different vantage point. But sometimes, when you’re going through some things, the best thing to do is to “branch up”, as in climb a tree. Climbing a nice big tree is a good way to escape (albeit temporarily) the horrors of reality. It requires no human interactions, no internet connection, and no money. People ask me all the time what I do to clear my mind when I feel stressed or overwhelmed, and my answer is always the same. I tell them that I just get really high; as in I climb the biggest tree I can find. Sitting atop my wooden friend and becoming one with nature gives me a brighter and more positive outlook on life.

It’s probably been a while since you climbed your last tree, and that’s fine. It is a simple task, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take any precautions before getting started. Here, I will lay out for you a step-by-step guide to climbing a tree. This is: How to Climb a Tree

Select your tree

The common dating phrase “there’s a lot of trees in the woods” is used extensively because it’s mainly true. You rarely see one tree standing alone, as it is usually surrounded by others. This is good, because it gives you plenty of options. It is impossible to tell you exactly how to pick your tree of interest because everyone has different tastes. One man’s mold is another man’s treasure. But personally, I prefer my tree to be of easy access, meaning there is nothing in the way at the bottom of the tree. Some prefer a little junk at the trunk, but not me. I also look for a tree that has a good balance of height and branch-levels. The higher the tree, the higher the climbing potential. But getting to the top is made easier the more branches there are, so try to find a tree that is both tall, and has ample branches. The best way to do this is to calculate the density of the tree, or better known as TD. TD is defined as TD=Bs/(Th x Bt), where Bs= # of solid branches, Th= tree height (m), and Bt= # of total branches. If you find yourself struggling with these calculations, just send us a clear picture of your TDs and we will gladly judge them for you.

Map your route to the top

Unlike a career, getting to the top of a tree is usually pretty straight-forward. But it is still important to take a literal step back and identify step-by-step how you will get up there. Go ahead and determine where you will make your initial step, the branches you will use along your route, and your stopping point. When it comes to branches, the thicker the better, obviously. The thicker the branch, the more weight it can support, and the less likely it is to give out while you stand on it. But also note the angle at which the branch branches out from the tree. A branch that moves in an upward trajectory will be stronger than one that angles downwards. So when mapping your route to the top, identify some strong looking branches that are not too far apart, because the smaller the step, the easier it will be.

Climb the tree

You’ve done all the dirty work, now it’s time to reap the rewards. Remain calm and simply remember your plan. Only use branches that you have pre-determined will be able to support you. Now climb as high as you feel comfortable.

Take a moment to relax

Now that you have climbed as high as you can, take some time to clear your mind. Sitting atop a tree gives you a new perspective. In a way it helps you realize that some things in life aren’t as important as we think they are. Human beings are actually pretty simple, but modern life is stressful, and sometimes confusing. Sitting at the top of a tree, away from technology and other people can help you re-evaluate your life. Take this alone time to figure out what is important to you. Sitting in a tree provides a unique opportunity to learn about yourself. It also makes you way cooler than the lazy losers who are on the ground.

(Optional) Just stay in the tree

The real-world fucking sucks, so just stay up there. Just live in the tree for as long as you can and stay away from all the other bullshit.

Climb down

The climb down from a tree is inherently more dangerous than the climb up. It can be difficult to place your feet on the proper branches when they are below you, so take your time on your descent. Try to use the same branches you used going up since you already know they are sturdy enough. Take it one step at a time, and make sure you have a firm grip before each step down. Relax, remember your training, and you’ll be safely at the bottom in no time.

Now that you have successfully climbed the tree, you should notice some personal differences. Physically, you are in the exact same place as you were before you started. But mentally, you are in a much better place. Your mind is clear, your stress has evaporated, and you are ready to get back into the thralls of life with a new attitude. But just because you are done climbing does not mean you should be done growing. Remember the time you spent in the tree. Remember the positive thoughts and conclusions you came to while up there and be sure to incorporate them into your life moving forward.

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August 19, 2020

How to Set and Achieve Realistic Goals

As part of the H2W@L family, you’re constantly evolving.

Whether you want to get in better shape, beef up your savings account or become a better parent, continuous improvement is part of your DNA. As such, you’re constantly setting goals for yourself. Setting goals is a critical step in meeting them, so you’re on the right track. But how do you set goals to maximize your chances of success? What separates a good goal from a bad goal? And how do you know if the goals you’re setting are productive ones? Our proven method below will help you set realistic and achievable goals to keep you improving in all aspects of your life.

The key to setting a realistic and achievable goal is to make sure the goal is SMART…

S – Statistically probable. Studies have shown that things that are statistically more likely to occur happen more often than things that are statistically less likely to occur. That’s why it’s important to set goals that are naturally likely to happen. Setting goals like “I want to have at least 25% body fat” or “at some point in my life I want to have an awkward interaction with a priest” make it statistically likely you’ll reach your goals, because these things are likely to occur naturally.

M – Mediocre. Setting mediocre goals is crucial to being successful. Most people who fail to achieve their goals do so because the goal was too lofty. Taking baby steps is important to ensuring you work towards an ambitious goal while crossing off some less ambitious goals along the way. Instead of setting 1 far-fetched goal, set a dozen intermediate goals to get you there. For example, instead of setting a personal goal to run 5 kilometers (5,000 meters), set a much more mediocre goal to run 5 meters. Once that feels easy, set a new goal to run 5 dekameters (50 meters), then 5 hectometers (500 meters). This “Stairway of Mediocrity”, as we like to call it, ensures that you achieve your goals at your own pace.

A – Average at Best. Michael Scott’s mom said it best when she said “Average people are the most special people in the world, and that’s why God made so many of them”. Goals should be thought of in this same fashion. Just as there is nothing wrong with being an average person, there is nothing wrong with setting average goals. The best way to determine average goals is to find facts about the average person, and re-word it into a goal. Below are a few examples of statistics about the average person that have been re-formatted into a personal goal (Source: New Strategist Press LLC)

Some day I want to have employer-provided health insurance
At some point in my life I want to be $75,600 in debt
My dream is to have less than $100,000 in savings

Since all of these goals are properties of the average American, it is likely you can easily cross them off your list. And THAT is the power of setting average goals.

R – Really Achievable. Why do people set goals in the first place? I’ll tell you why, because they want to achieve something. If you want to achieve something, you have to make sure that what you are trying to achieve is achievable. See? The word achieve is in the word achievable. If you’re setting goals that aren’t achievable then you might as well be trying to screw a 3/4 inch flat undercut 82-degree screw into a 1/4 inch 20 four prong T-nut Zinc plated finish nut hahaha, it ain’t gonna work! That’s why it’s key when setting goals to make sure they are overly-achievable. Try to think of goals that someone way less capable could achieve, and achieve those first.

T – Totally Doable. The last thing you need to consider before setting a goal is whether or not the goal is doable. If the goal isn’t doable, you won’t be able to do it, it’s that simple. To really guarantee success the goal should be super duper doable, otherwise there is a chance you still wont be successful. When trying to determine whether or not a goal is sufficiently doable, ask a 7 year old to try and do it first. If the 7 year old is successful you can be fairly sure the goal is sufficiently doable. Because let’s be honest, 7 year olds pretty much suck at everything.

Life is all about setting your sights on something and achieving it. Setting goals is a great way to mentally prioritize your energy to achieve things you think are of high importance. Using the steps above you can be sure that the goals you set for yourself are realistic and constructive. Now get out there and achieve some shit!

Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.