We’ve all been there.
You’re out in public at the mall, church, the movies, somewhere else in public, and you’re gassier than the Hindenburg. You know just one sweet release will make you feel better, but you’re worried anyone within a mile radius will smell and know it was you. Worse yet, you might accidentally kill someone. On the other hand, you’re worried if you hold it in for too long it could be harmful to your health, or release itself against your will. Whatever are you to do?
Trust me when I say I’ve experienced this situation many, MANY times. In fact, my friends often compare me to the president of Russia, because I’m always Putin. Over the years I’ve developed a fool-proof system to get away with farting in public, and I’m ready to share it with you today. Here are my top 4 tips to passing gas in public without getting caught.
(1) Find a child to blame it on. When mother nature calls and the passing of the gas is imminent, find the nearest child to fart next to. Kids fart a lot, so when people start to smell it they will automatically blame the child. You know what else kids do? They fucking lie. If called out and the child denies it, people will assume he/she is lying and is the true culprit. This tactic is so powerful that often times when I am in public I am always scoping out the nearest child just in case I am faced with an emergency and need to blame a fart on someone. Ever noticed that creepy guy in the kids section of Gap who isn’t with any children but is looking at everyone else’s kids? Guaranteed that guy just scarfed down a few enchiladas and is looking for the nearest kid to blame his farts on.
(2) Call attention to the smell immediately. You know the saying “whoever smelt it dealt it”? Studies have shown that more often than not, the person who smelt it actually was not the person that dealt it. In fact, this negative correlation between the smeller and the dealer becomes even stronger as the population around the smeller grows. In other words, the larger the gathering of people, the less likely that the person who smelt it actually dealt it. The findings from these studies suggest an undeniably powerful strategy to getting away with farting in public. If you fart into a very large crowd, always be sure to call attention to the smell. The larger the crowd, and the more attention you bring to the smell, the more people will assume you are not the farter.
(3) Stand next to an old person. This strategy is essentially the opposite of strategy 1, but it is just as effective. According to science, very old people are just older and typically more wrinkly versions of very young people. Both groups of people have historically poor control over their bodily functions, which makes them excellent targets for fart blaming. Just like with children, people will be swift to assume that an old person is to blame for a foul smell. In fact, when asked who produces the most unwanted emissions the average person lists old people 3rd behind the United States and China.
(4) Oversell the fart. This strategy is the most bold, but can also be the most fun and rewarding. If you’re feeling a little wild, make your fart very aggressive and obvious. Instead of drawing attention to the smell afterwards to deflect suspicion like in strategy 2, draw attention to the fart itself. Typically what you’ll find is that people think it’s a joke and laugh, and then continue living their lives. This strategy has two additional advantages over the other strategies. First of all, this strategy works best for loud farts. Other strategies only work for silent farts, but this strategy does not discriminate. This gives you the opportunity to really let it rip. Additionally, this strategy is also even more effective if you have multiple farts to release. Combining these two factors you can see that this is the only strategy that allows for full gaseous relief without holding back. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty friggin sweet to me. To see some prime examples of overselling a fart, checkout the Youtube video below.
If it hasn’t already, the day will come when you will need to pass gas in public. Like all emergencies, the consequences can be mitigated with a thoughtful and strategic plan. Using this guide as a guide, develop a plan that works for you and your family. You may be nervous the first few times executing your plan in the real world, but after a few successful public farts you’ll realize there is nothing to worry about. Put a plan together, practice at home, and live your life free of anxiety and gas! Happy farting!
Join the H2W@L movement and subscribe to gain unlimited access to all H2W@L articles and receive our weekly newsletter with exclusive content. We love you, please love us back.